Tuesday, April 24, 2007

atrocity exhibition

And I picked on the whims of a thousand or more,
Still pursuing the path that's been buried for years,
All the dead wood from cities and jungles on fire,
Can't replace or relate, can't release or repair,
Take my hand and I'll show you what was and will be.

-Ian Curtis, Joy Division, from 'Atrocity Exhibition' (1980)

I'm almost finished with Ian Curtis' biography, so I thought I would include some lyrics of his. Ian hanged himself 11 days after my birthday in 1980 directly preceeding their first U.S. tour.

I was justly frustrated with yesterday (after being locked out for several hours) and so I carried my frustration with me through to today. I was and have been very stressed, without finding release. Everything just seems so overwhelming. All my free time consists of preparing for something else. Do I have enought food, water, toiletries, clothes, or reading material? Is my phone, computer, and ipod charged? Worry, worry, worry. I pride myself on being prepared for a range of situations, but those things can become stressful and that's the last thing I want right now. What are you going to do? Bikram's right: this will all be over in two minutes. I am going to wake up and it's going to be over. I will long for every second of these days. On a tangent, I am curious about preparing for the past. I haven't thought this one through, so don't expect anything too logical or profound(not that I am normally profound, or logical for that matter). If the future and the past are only the mind's contruct to explain the abstract, then why couldn't one prepare for the past? Maybe we only truly reexperience the past through dreams, so maybe I can prepare certain items to address past problems and relive them without pain or second guessing. More on this later...

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